Tag Archives: death

Reacting to Grief – Christmas is hard

For me, Christmas is a time of self exploration.  Actually I find today. The Solstice Day, far stronger than an adopted multi faith celebration that’s been abused so commercially that many find it difficult. Although a carol service is in order almost as a ‘thing’ thats default and quite enjoyable.
This post is as much for me as it is for MrsWolfie, possibly one of my longest friends in the BDSM world. And here I am writing this blog!

One thing that that’s rarely talked about with kidney failure, and disability is grief. (its an odd chance that Red is an ex church wife!) Its a fact, that if you have CKD you are going to loose people from ‘the family’, its almost been me once or twice! )

My first loss, was S, we’d worked together voluntarily and I fancied the pants of her, and to some degree another colleague M, fantasising about what I’d like to DO to her, or them. I was still mobile there, and the little green bug would wizz down to Somerset for the odd meeting. She died, from complications and infection, some days after starting national group for younger people with CKD. This was the first funeral I’d been to. I didn’t cry, a tear, something in me bottled up. Maybe shock, maybe I don’t know. Perhaps being ill most of your life you learn to bottle up, to hide, to be TOUGH. Another colleague, and friend, was crying his eyes out, a complete shock to me from his usual cocky and full of it cheery chap persona.

The emotional release hit later, unexpectedly, sometimes triggered, sometimes unexpected and it hurt, the tears flowed, the anger.

A year after I moved out of town, the big smoke and British Capital, my own mother, was diagnosed with 2 blood clots, a typical healthcare professional she didn’t look after herself.  I was terrified, me leaving home could have been the last time I saw her. That, being up here over 100 miles away, scares me now. Being disabled means getting down to see them is a military operation. Both now have age related medical conditions. My dad had a ‘prostate scare’ a few years back, and has a pacemaker, and my mum stopped taking her medications when my parents moved because ‘they got packed!!’  MOTHER!!!  I’m missing them. Despite our turmoiled relationship.

I wrote about Imp recently, and how we fell out. There have been another 9 friends and colleagues I’ve known to die from kidney failure related complications before that. Some I’ve worked with, one or 2 I’ve grown up with from a pre teen age, and ALL I’ve met. 

Cupcake was a disabled lover, a sub and Pet that I knew, who I ‘lost’ more or less while we were on holiday.
This is difficult to write about.  C had a rare form of dwarfism, and needed assistance in dressing, but could get on and off the bed with ease. Our relationship was patchy.  I was going through my own stuff, my parents perhaps were helicoptering after my near death experience a few years back. And I wasn’t perhaps getting the full support to drive, be independent etc that I might have had. As a result I was a pretty crap lover:( And maybe didn’t go and see here often enough. Or my own weakness made excuses.
When we did play she was fantastic, obedient, well trained, a good laugh, and we worked well together.

She’d had some bad experiences, being vulnerable, a ‘bad DOM’ could basically have done anything to her without consent as her physical form left weakness in muscles. 
We decided to go on holiday together, 2 disabled people going away is a nightmare that requires military planning. We did get there but C was already a bit unwell.

A year or so she’d had a contraceptive implant that I personally thought was a bad choice (having researched the side effects) We didn’t play on holiday, but she became ill on the second week) I was in one hospital having my routine treatment.  The hotel was a specialist, a love accessible venue in the mountains with an pool with a hoist, wide rooms, wheel in wet rooms.  Basic but fabulous. C became ill on holiday, with a severe period.  Various doctors came out, injections were given, and at the end of the holiday she had the all clear to go home.  C occasionally needed oxygen, and became ill on the plane. We had a carer with us, and she had oxygen, the planes own oxygen, but became non responsive and sleepy during the flight. This was the last time I saw C alive.  The cause of death was oxygen starvation. 
I wonder now if the heavy period from the implant, loss of blood, may have added to the cause.  Blaming myself, for not being a better lover, being more involved in her care and choices as a Master still haunt me today. But it was never a full on 24/7 relationship at that time, and we’d ‘parted’ as D/s before we went on holiday. 

During the night after the flight I felt a tightening in my chest, as though I couldn’t breath..  Around 3 AM,  I had a call the next day that Cupcake had passed away then.

Seeing her again, at her parents house after her body had been brought back to London, was the strangest  thing.  She looked as beautiful as ever, she’d donated her corneas.. I didn’t know how to react, how I was supposed to react.  I kissed her, and walked away.  The grief, again came later, everytime I saw someone in a wheelchair, or perhaps a voice that sounded like hers. Or her name on a stage, as acting was one of her passions, a local festival named their stage after her.  Seeing it at a festival. I just broke down… I pushed myself to go back a couple of times for a year or so.

At the funeral, her friends from the group we’d met, one of them I was also intimate with, Paws.  It seems very weird writing about it. We wept at the funeral..  It was then I think I went back to Paws place..  Privacy was in her bedroom..  We fucked hard..  It wasn’t planned, it wasn’t intense it didn’t feel wrong, maybe awkward afterwards it was just that raw release of emotion wanting, needing contact with another being.  We never spoke of it again.

The years after C’s death, maybe 5, did I have any confidence or desire to start dating again.
And it was so near Christmas, I’ve always watched this film. Of love loss and hope.
It’ll be lonely this Christmas.

Actually I have a massive ManCrush on Alan Cummings too.

Sorry Dear Readers

I’ve been down with the lurgy for the past 2 weeks, leaving me, hopefully temporarily partially deaf in 1 ear and feeling about as sexy as a piece of burnt coal!  

This for me leads to depression, immense self doubt, this time of year, like many many others is hard.Not to mention finding it hard to keep on top of things other than going through the doldrum routine of treatment, food, sleep, and everyday chat.

Having regular bloods I can actually see the white blood cells having reason as my feeble bod fought off the virus.

That and the death of another ex playmate,  doesn’t give me a good rep, does it?

Breast cancer on an already immune suppressed body isn’t a good mix.

. Adding to that a very messy earlier exploration of her kink some years back that I think may have resulted in her being a boring if ‘good girl’ and reluctant to talk to sexual issues with family or friends.  Religion and culture can really fuck up a persons sexuality!  We hurt one another I’d lost total touch with her for about 10 years, before another friend reached out and let me know last week. Her funeral was last Friday.   

So heres a toast to the little imp in my life who despite us hurting each other.  And 

She identified as a rainbow dolphin as her day to day avatar but even the vicious horn, and blood red fearsome eyes they hide from us mortals could not save her.


Today is gonna be a day of autumn vanilla, sorting, tidying, paperwork. And hunting for food for a quid! More on that new vanilla aspect possibly for another day, if I can incorporate some budget BDSM into a story! Food play for a quid! Jokes about Greggs Sausage Rolls?

“Especially with my recent “discovery”. If only my family weren’t so embarassed to talk about body and sexual stuff, if only I didn’t have to grow up feeling that all that is “dirty” and everything, then maybe, I would have found out what I did BEFORE age 23, and found it myself not through a stupid medical folder… I was awful at science and biology in school, have no idea if this stuff was even covered in my secondary school in kenya.. and even if it was, its not like I’d have known, since I was sat at home being unable to walk and being ill and none of us even thinking about arranging for home tuition or anything of the sort. But, I can’t help wondering, is there any kinds of situations where people would not be able to sexually and/or physically feel anything? Even if its not heard of.. or rarely heard of.. what if that is me? When it comes to hospital.. I am terrified of pain. So what lengths am I willing to go to find this out?  “

Words by my ‘Little Imp’


Sex Ed and Support for the Disabled including Individuals and Professionals.


Outsiders Resources:

On Dating..  

Sex Aids


Disability Horizons Sex and Relationships.. Resources, Guest Bloggers etc.


Its perhaps my own experiences, needs, perversions that DRIVE me to throw sex in peoples faces sometimes, to always gauge how people might need info. 

Almost every time I see a another disabled person I’m wondering what their desires are, is their sexual health/lifestyle catered for in a care plan, education.  Or have they been had only their basic needs met, in a cold LA clinical assessment method.

More unicorns, less trolls.