Tag Archives: bdsm

My relationship with KinkyWithATwist

KWT summa it up brilliantly:)  We’ve known’ each other for many years, maybe a decade, but only met in the flesh twice:)

So enjoy the following beautiful, long read, entry below

https://kinkywithatwist.com/2021/05/30/30-days-of-submission-day-16-is-my-submission-different-in-various-relationships/

On this hot sunny day.
Enjoy! 

Why I offer peer support – and why I hate doing it

Actually I don’t HATE doing it. But it has its positives and negatives. A bit of a rant! 

What is peer support. Basically sharing info and supporting those in the same situation, group interest as yourself, often in a ’safe’ environment.

The BDSM community, is by the by runs on Peer Support, at times better than others. Hence the ‘community’ runs munches, workshops, such as ‘peer rope’ workshops. These are designed to share information, to safeguard against predators. Everyone at some point is ’new’ to something. A community, a classroom, a job.

I have always been involved in peer support for several of my passions, other than BDSM, plants, CKD, kite flying.
Knowledge is power but knowledge  should be shared.

The downside of peer support is that it can be exhausting if it fails to meet its purpose.  If people become reliant on you, or your group. As though people are unable to ‘FIND OUT FOR THEMSELVES’  I call and other social media, including the bdsm community, the Lazy Search Engine. How often have you seen a post of ‘How Do I?

HOW TO USE A SEARCH ENGINE should be the default intro for any peer support group online!

Offering peer support or running a group can be exhausting if the you, or only a few people are putting in the effort. It leaves you feeling unappreciated (always thank a host, give them feedback). If the fun stops.  Walk away – let someone else do it. In the bigger picture, people will ALWAYS have the same questions, and the ANSWERS WILL ALWAYS BE THE SAME.

People have been getting into kink, and likewise developing CKD at any time and will continue to do so. DECADES of information is available on the internet.  Just for once, it would be nice to see more posts along the line of.

‘I’ve looked  up and researched X Y & Z and would like to know more! 

Do you run a peer support group, have you ever had to step back or pass over responsibilities?

Feature image women in a peer support group Creative Commons



50 shades of reality – Chris and Stacy?

If Christian Grey wasn’t posh and wealthy?

A strange thought came to mind a few days ago. On how BDSM has been portrayed in film and everyday life.

Incidentally I hold that for an author who isn’t in to kink, she must have seen or watched at least ’The Secretary or some other erotic books in her youth), but had been taken in by ’Twighlight’ Fantasy romance and fan fiction. And attending an all girls Grammar School, could have some influence 😉

Incidentally I think the similarities between ’The Secretary’ and 50 Shades are too uncanny. 

Take 50 shades.  Christian Grey the lead in the ‘current mommy porn televised books’ and Anastasia.

Now a simplified name of Christian in Chris and and a common variation on Anastasia is Stacy.

Would the books have read the same if Chris and Stacy got together? Or the films?

Hints at BDSM pop up in common TV series, everything from Midsomer Murders to the hilarious ‘Stella’  to teen comedy Misfits!

The Reality of a a BDSM Chris and Stacy story would probably involve a council flat or semi with a kinky garage or loft conversion dungeon! And maybe occasional membership of a swingers club (again not necessary BDSM) or a visits to a bespoke hotel, plus a decent trade with LoveHoney or Ann Summers!

The majority of the population may not experience BDSM, but may at some point in life ‘experiment’ However its such a broad area that people go from regular club attendance, to creating ‘home dungeons’ or focusing on a few particular fetishes.


I know very few people that are able to live a 24/7 commitment. Those that do have ‘good health, and some form of steady income.

The majority have regular jobs and maybe reasonable health with at least one partner. Although this may be a false description as plenty of people with health conditions and disabilities find BDSM a fantastic outlet or part of life.

Theres no doubt that money helps to ‘buy stuff and do things’.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/3/36/Muzzle_gag2.jpg/1024px-Muzzle_gag2.jpg
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/36/Muzzle_gag2.jpg

With 5 books of the 50 shades series (and 3 films ) so far I’ve only read one, and possibly seen a couple of films! 

BDSM in the media.

According to Maria Claire

The following are the Top BDSM Movies of Merit.

While I don’t agree with all, if your into the BDSM mainstream movie genre they are worth a look. I certainly have a soft spot for Billy Piper in Secret Diary of a Call Girl, and 9 1/2 weeks and Basic Instinct are classics with merit!
Bonding, too was a very enjoyable comical but realistic series.

Personally I think B Movie BDSM films should be watched by all beginners, such as ‘The Pet’, under supervisions.
For all the tacky acting. This is a dark film of where ‘play’ can lead to abuse, and in the films end theme human trafficking, which sadly is still very very real in 2020!
2006 

“A young woman in dire financial straights accepts an offer to be a wealthy aristocrat’s human “pet” for six months. Then ruthless modern “pet-nappers” kidnap the woman to sell her on the GSM (Global Slave Market). ”

Themes of The Pet include 
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Film/ThePet

Its not to be confused with the later 2016 film ‘Pet’ (but sometimes also miscalled The Pet, just to confuse things which is much more of a physiological thriller exploring fanatical fetishism and abuse.

Keep Educated, Keep Safe.

Cover pick from PickPik licence free images
Its worth adding the Music Features a good deal in ‘making, rather than breaking’ the film.

Behind the lack of content – Health

Apologies dear followers for the lack of content, I know you are few but enjoy reading!
I’ve been struggling a bit to feel sexy enough to write, and other stuff has got in the way.
I’m also suffering from Low Calcium, theres not a lot I can do about that apart from try and get more sun, and eat calcium rich foods. Sadly you won’t see me in shorts and a T shirt with the temp at around 6 C.

Severe symptoms of hypocalcemia include:

confusion or memory loss
muscle spasms
numbness and tingling in the hands, feet, and face
depression
hallucinations
muscle cramps
weak and brittle nails
easy fracturing of the bones” 

Don’t worry tho the med team are on it and I’m eating plenty of cheese (which I love, !)
https://www.healthline.com/health/calcium-deficiency-disease#causes

So lets look at some of the topics I can hopefully line up for you.
HumpDay
Aural Sex, storytelling and orgasm denial, a good little exercise for submissives, or anyone who enjoys a bit of self pleasure!
Slidy Fingers
Doggie Style
G-Spot O, for Orgasm
Temeparature Play, turn up the heating, get out the ice
Love Balls (well that could mean many things!)  (Look up Love Balls and you’ll find a girls online game, but I’ve NEVER EVER called them ‘jiggle balls’ in 50 shades style! They are and should always be Ben Wa Balls, unless they are not!

So bare with, and in the meantime enjoy The BDSM Files from my good friend and Regular Blogger MrsWolfie

Swinging V Polyamory – its not BDSM

Two very very different things

Something that MrsWolfie wrote got me thinking and the urge to respond.
Swingers Devotion Symbol. Creative Commons 

A Swingers Devotion

Swinging. I very briefly touched on Swinging in a previous post. Its active in my area for sure.

“Swinging, sometimes called wife swapping, husband swapping or partner swapping, is a sexual activity in which both singles and partners in a committed relationship sexually engage with others for recreational purposes.[1] Swinging is a form of non-monogamy and is an open relationship. People may choose a swinging lifestyle for a variety of reasons. Many cite an increased quality and quantity of sex. Some people may engage in swinging to add variety into their otherwise conventional sex lives or due to their curiosity. Some couples see swinging as a healthy outlet and means to strengthen their relationship.[1]

The phenomenon of swinging, or at least its wider discussion and practice, is regarded by some as arising from the freer attitudes to sexual activity after the sexual revolution of the 1960s, the invention and availability of the contraceptive pill, and the emergence of treatments for many of the sexually transmitted diseases that were known at that time. The adoption of safe sex practices became more common in the late 1980s.

The swinger community sometimes refers to itself as “the lifestyle”, or as “the alternative lifestyle”.[2]”

Oddly enough Alternative Lifestyles cover many things, including BDSM and various ethical practices and beliefs.

  Polyamory Symbol Creative Commons Licence128px Polyamory woven svgPolamoury 
“Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, “many, several”, and Latin amor, “love”) is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved.[1][2] It has been described as “consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy”.[3][4][5] People who identify as polyamorous believe in an open relationship with a conscious management of jealousy; they reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for deep, committed, long-term loving relationships.[6][7] Other people prefer to restrict their sexual activity to only members of the group. This type of closed polyamory relationships are usually referred to as polyfidelity.[8][9]

Polyamory has come to be an umbrella term for various forms of non-monogamous, multi-partner relationships, or non-exclusive sexual or romantic relationships.[10][11][12] Its usage reflects the choices and philosophies of the individuals involved, but with recurring themes or values, such as love, intimacy, honesty, integrity, equality, communication, and commitment”

Neither practices come under the umbrella of BDSM, but those practicing either can have interests in BDSM as part of their kinks or lifestyle.  

I consider myself polyamorous but currently practice a monogamous relationship. Polyamory is one of the hardest types of relationship, trust and acceptance is a key, and jealousy is common and one of the harder areas to overcome. It can be very rewarding as different partners can offer each other different levels, areas and manners of love and satisfaction.  Where it IS incorporated in BDSM it can be one person is perhaps more Dominant, and can offer some things a ‘primary’ partner cannot.

I’ve never been into swinging (despite once staying ‘accidentally’ in a swingers hotel!

To summarise Swingers tend to be far more oriented towards sexual pleasure, Polyamory towards relationships and affection.
Are you either, comment or get in touch if you like my posts.

Islam, BDSM, Kink, and beliefs

Well dear readers, its finally here, one of the articles that was mentioned a while back.
If you like it, do share, subscribe or consider a token of support.

“We’re all Horny, No Matter What Our Creed”

Why the hell I’m still on Whisper I don’t know. But I blame my fellow bloogerBigBoldnBright as occasionally we’ve discussed BDSM and religion !

Clicking on the local filter (actually I’ve met one community friend on there now) a very brummie type post came up in text speak under the group ‘Muslim’.  Now I live in an area with, on a smaller scale a very mixed religious make up. Christians (of all denominations) Sikh’s, Muslims, Jews.  Similar to London perhaps but not quite so diverse!

The words read as follows:
“Why are kinks such a taboo in our community fgs urgh”

I did a quick research, theres actually very little info on Islam and kink.
There IS some info including a good few people on Fetlife.  So pointed him to the site! Hopefully he’’ll get a little education, or not! Or find what he’s looking for.

What I did discover were the following: Sex generally isn’t a mainstream casual discussion among Muslim’s in a social setting they are among most of us when among friends, or on social gatherings.

In our media driven western society we gossip like hell, generally about our sex lives, who’s shagging who, and thats even before getting onto casual workplace/playground chitchat and the ‘reality TV gossip’.

I would guess in some devout practitioners of other religions there may be similarities.
It IS however discussed among same sex groups. So men in groups talk about sex, women in groups talk about it. I haven’t had the chance to closely lookup BDSM and its relationship to the Hindu, or Jewish religions, more to say there are groups on various adult platforms that lead discussion.

SHIA and SUNNI, a brief background.  While this isn’t important to BDSM, understanding perhaps WHY BDSM isn’t so openly embraced in the Muslim community IS important. Knowledge and learning is enlightenment.!

https://www.learnreligions.com/difference-between-shia-and-sunni-muslims-2003755

While I’m not on Reddit, there’s some fairly intelligent discussion here on BDSM and religion.

https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMcommunity/comments/3znq10/religion_and_bdsm/

Muslim Women Like Having Sex, and Halal Lube Is a Thing That Exists
This to me was a very interesting article, in most of the USA, Europe and UK sex toys, and shops are pretty much par for the course, LoveHoney is an online leader in sales and Ann Summers is in most shopping centres (Malls)  Try opening such as shop in a generally devout country of any religion and there will be misunderstanding and ignorance.
https://jezebel.com/muslim-women-like-having-sex-and-halal-lube-is-a-thing-505979520

Neither Slave Nor Pharaoh  Finding the Divine in BSDM
In the article below we see the story of a real life Dominatrix in a seemingly finding solace in play with a Muslim submissive in Egypt. I actually really liked this article.

“Abdallah asks if I want to hear Egyptian music. I say yes.I tell him that earlier that week, I had bumped into a Palestinian man who said that Egyptians are either slaves or pharaohs”  


This stuck out to me as BDSM is often seen having some sort of ‘issue’ behind it, either abuse or upbringing. While this may be true in some cases, in others it may be more of a huge cultural background, perhaps suppressed, in the ages of ‘equality’ some history in cultures, it seems are hard to rub off. Were my BDSM playmates abused in their youth? Generally no. Might they have gone through some of life’s harder knocks, like difficult siblings/parents/health issues, grief or sudden loss.
Almost every ‘Civilised’ culture seems to have some sort of non consensual background of slavery to it.

Many people do, not all develop an interest in BDSM, not everyone in BDSM has a colourful background to life.
https://www.bitchmedia.org/article/both-slave-and-pharaoh/finding-divine-bsdm

About an hour long, but at least gives a good informative insight into one individual very much in the kink community.

Interview with slave Alia

https://www.ayzad.com/news/people/islam-and-bdsm-interview-with-slave-alia/

This video really was quite enlightening, about an hour long, based in the US and describes slave Alias submission and relationship and incorporation of Islam as a Shiite Muslim woman.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=768&v=-xg1S8JyBno&feature=emb_logo

Continue reading Islam, BDSM, Kink, and beliefs

A rough kinky guide & more to Telford (UK)

I’ll not lie,  most events BDSM related in the Midlands are NOT in Telford and at times living here and trying to be in the kink scene are tough.
 (Note there are several other towns across the world called Telford. Confusing isn’t it!)


Many munches or meetups centre round the bigger events, clubs or trade shows in Birmingham Bizarre Bazaar known as the BBB. Or are more remote events, online shops or not in the area. 

Telford Events are usually organised and announced on the Adult Social Media platform Fetlife. 

There’s not a lot in Telford in way of events. The main Telford Fetish  munch is small, but friendly and held in Midlands adult and LBTQ+ friendly pub slightly away from the centre of town, and not well served by public transport. 

The small much is however very friendly, and welcoming and worth a visit if its running (again most are currently shut due to Covid)

Online the Munch Group has close to 300 members presumably from in and around Telford. Quite often more mobile members crossover between munches. Not all of these people attend the munches. At a guess many of the members are lurkers. The actual attendance is between 12 and 20, although I’ve heard there’s been closer to 30 in the past.

LBTQ+ there is an active but small public group on social media, that pre lockdown

Going Outside. Particularly if you have a car, there are many opportunities for outdoor, remote play, occasional derelict buildings. (obviously be safe!) remote areas of woodlands, b road tracks (make sure they are not farm tracks) and lay-bys 
The opportunity for some outdoor play, or photoshoots is good.

Shopping. During Covid online adult toy stores such as Love Honey have seen a huge increase.

An independent couple friendly Adult Boutique named Romeo & Juliet’s Licensed  Adult Store  selling clothing, toys and peripherals closed in 2018. I’m in agreement here that Telford could be so much better for BDSM.

Other events are held in Birmingham and Wolverhampton, and I’ve been offered lifts to these if and when things change and it becomes possible. Having not attended I cannot write about them however this post is about Telford itself, not its surroundings.

A small Ann Summers store operates in the Telford Town Centre

There are a few hotels listed as Adults Only, in the area but no real boutique hotels similar to the Hotel Pellirocco in Brighton, which I rate as a standard for good ‘play’ hotels to aim for.

While swinging in no way suggests links with BDSM it preliminary research suggests that Telford has a fairly active swinging scene (I’m almost certain some of my neighbours swing that way!) And the UK TV broadcaster Channel 4 (renowned for its colourful productions) is currently (Aug2020) airing a program titled, yes you’ve guess it. Swingers!

Dogging certainly happens in Telford, again not BDSM but part of the sexual steaming pot of the area! Frequent topic on Adult Social Media forums.

Just Get Naked.
For those that just enjoy not wearing clothes Telford offers a naturist club again located on the Outskirts of Telford

Abuse
The very very dark side of Telford Illegal Activities

Telford is an area of relative financial poverty. Its reputation and links for underage gangs, including forced prostitution, trafficking. While these gangs have been found, arrested and imprisoned there are rumours that elements of abuse are still current.
Sexual abuse, control of minors, enforced drug taking, or any form of non consent are in no way part of a healthy bdsm scene or lifestyle.
Those in any community who abuse others or the law should be reported and prosecuted.

Setting the Scene – The quick version

I Absolutely adore BigBold&Brights Get Ready with Me(or ‘etting the scene’!)

However my own experience has come from a different chaotic background of scene play. Not everyone can clear a bedroom, however there are a few few hacks, certainly if you are going to snap a few photos, or add music.

Shelving, a few simple map pins and rubber bands allow you to drape/hide shelves or a wardrobe in a matter of minutes. They’ll make zero damage and can easily be removed.

Should your bedroom contain a desk, as younger readers, or those in less than independent circumstances may well be, your not going to be able to clear the essentials, but again a drape, (make sure you turn off or unplug any non essential power and don’t cover sockets or transformers.

Lighting, if your lucky enough to have daytime play as I often did a curtain with a warmer colour orange or yellow can add a glow to a sunny room. Who said play had to be dark and moody! Keyring white lights can me coloured with a marker pen, even xmas lights on red can offer a mood enhancer.

Toys, I have a lot of toys, however keep the essentials handy, lube, maybe a set of cuffs and blindfold or bondage tape or perhaps some cloths pegs.

In the less private of dwellings these are a few items that can easily be packed away

If your lucky to have complete privacy in your own place, you can of course, mould it to your own tastes..

Music in particular is to peoples own taste. I know those that have scened in club music, gansta rap with explicit lyrics. I’ve started scenes with some passionate, non vocal. I’ve given a ‘foreplay massage’ to KennyG’s Breathless with the lights dimmed, and whipped a bound submissive in rhythm to Maddonna’s ‘Confessions Tour’ Album
There are plenty of pre created ‘playlists’ of Music of Sex, or top listing ‘Erotic Music’ available on youtube (probably best to acquire for your own use to avoid the ‘Amazon Sales’ ads halfway through your passion.)

Being able to control bass/audio can make a huge difference. If you happen to play music the option of an equaliser, even an App on a phone can make the difference. I used to have a fantastic Mini Hifi (now sold as Microsystems) with a manual sound control.  While I’ve not tested any of these apps, do let me know if they make a difference, IF you rely on your smartphone or tablet for music during play. Deeper bass can reverberate and trigger more sensation, as opposed to a tinny tune.

Be safe, Have Fun fellow kinky chums.

30 days of Oh! Full Bladder and Temperature Play

Well those girls at Sh’ do come up with some great stuff.

Full bladder sex isn’t something I’ve come across for sensation. Bladder ‘control’ (dangerous if done too often, your kidneys need to flush!)
I’ve seen it done in ‘control and denial’ in BDSM until a sub begs to ‘go’ sometimes with humiliating, or rewarding results.
Please let me ‘pee’ posts on some groups on apps and indeed ‘supposed 24/7’ relationship porn accounts are uneducated and irresponsible. I no longer pee with CKD stage 5 and 0 kidney function so from a Male pov I couldn’t comment!

While a sub asking for permission to use the bathroom or urinate etc can be quite hot in terms of overall health, a Dom/Domme/Owners responsibility is first and foremost for safety and health during play (and beyond if in a LTR) 

Technical stuff.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/pee-orgasm..  Best to let it flow. If you want to involve it, just be aware that kidney damage is permanent in many many cases, and treatment isn’t temporary!

However there’s an inkling of truth in that a full bladder seems to apply internal pressure and can in some cases heighten orgasm. I could only find a couple of forum articles about it!

Haing CKD myself, I really do NOT encourage including holding urine/for a Dom/Domme as a sub/Sub for any longer than u normally would if trying to find a loo. In theory it causes kidney stress, reflux and all sorts of issues down the line.
NEVER.. EVER!

Temperature  sensation play..

I’ve written about this before but, from a rooms temperature (holiday sex can be intense) to warming or cooling lube or toys. Temperature sensation can be far more than just the ice cubes of porn and film!  This is why I say hotels can REALLY be a great place to induce good play as your there for a purpose and domestic ‘commitments’ are out of the window.T