Category Archives: Grief

Smoke over Troubled Water – Covid19 – The Planet and Humans

Just a quick response and thoughts to my good friend MrsWolfies post
Opinion: Face Masks In The West Carry Their Own Problem, Stigma

I’m used to public face masks , as a Londoner, and as someone with a long term chronic condition.
4 times a week myself and the girl don a mask during the ‘risk’ parts of starting and ending my treatment.
Not to mention the ‘adult element’ of a different type of facemarks as props in adult scenes. I wonder if the sale of THOSE has increased?

In London its fairly frequent to see facemasks among a large number of cyclists due to the pollution. You can visibly see and taste the pollution in London, for instance from high points looking over the city, or arriving in a busy railways station in central London.

While China was one of the first countries to enforce public face mask wearing it was already common in the busier cities due to pollution. If you remember China still has coal burning power you may understand this.
IMAGE: View Across London from the North, showing pollution over the City..
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As for the future.  IF our Governments actually LEARN from this rather than clinging to the ‘Go Back To Normal’. We WILL reduce the falsehood of global trade and commerce and learn to ‘look after ourselves’ before we help others. 
However this one a global scale seems hard to imagine as a reality.

IF WE as a country already had ‘In House’ Healthcare, rather than contracted, and transport we might be in a better economic sense to deal with the outcomes in the CURRENT situation

The psychological impacts are going to last a long time.

As I’m writing this, crude oil has a near negative value. Polluting airlines are lamenting their loss of business, and a cautious move towards humanity rather than Greed and Commerce seems to be happening.  While you may wonder what this has to do with the Corona Viruses, historically most disasters have had the most effect on areas of Mass Population, and this is not the first time that civilisations have been severely affected, not by natural disaster but by the transition of pathogens to areas of no resistance.

I for one, welcome, not the suffering and stress of individuals, but the wake up call to the fact we are NOT immortal as a species, nor are we the ‘top of the food chain, when we can easily be beaten by a simple virus.

We cope by doing little things that patch up the wounds, clapping, rushing to make masks and gowns, sharing food resources, but in the long term, we need to change.
Recommended Viewing and Reading

This Changes Everything

The Power Of Community – How Cuba Survived Peak Oil An Hours watch, but if your transport and imported food production is cut off. HOW DO YOU SURVIVE AS A COUNTRY?

NHS PLC  There’s no way we will now get a National Health Service that is fully State Run.  Since the introduction of Trusts and Centralisation of services, it seems an impossible future:(

I’ll finish with a quote from one of my favourite bands:

What would you leave behind when all your fields are dead
When your territories are dried out and your cities drowned and swept?
What would you leave behind when those who bear your name
Are born in that place that you wrecked?
What would you leave behind when you’re no longer there?

To deny or to despair
They’re really just the same
And everything between
It means we have to change
Cos when a one forgets
Their world begins to fade
And all the shapes and shades
That made their colours see
Well they suddenly turn grey
Then they’re no longer there

Reacting to Grief – Christmas is hard

For me, Christmas is a time of self exploration.  Actually I find today. The Solstice Day, far stronger than an adopted multi faith celebration that’s been abused so commercially that many find it difficult. Although a carol service is in order almost as a ‘thing’ thats default and quite enjoyable.
This post is as much for me as it is for MrsWolfie, possibly one of my longest friends in the BDSM world. And here I am writing this blog!

One thing that that’s rarely talked about with kidney failure, and disability is grief. (its an odd chance that Red is an ex church wife!) Its a fact, that if you have CKD you are going to loose people from ‘the family’, its almost been me once or twice! )

My first loss, was S, we’d worked together voluntarily and I fancied the pants of her, and to some degree another colleague M, fantasising about what I’d like to DO to her, or them. I was still mobile there, and the little green bug would wizz down to Somerset for the odd meeting. She died, from complications and infection, some days after starting national group for younger people with CKD. This was the first funeral I’d been to. I didn’t cry, a tear, something in me bottled up. Maybe shock, maybe I don’t know. Perhaps being ill most of your life you learn to bottle up, to hide, to be TOUGH. Another colleague, and friend, was crying his eyes out, a complete shock to me from his usual cocky and full of it cheery chap persona.

The emotional release hit later, unexpectedly, sometimes triggered, sometimes unexpected and it hurt, the tears flowed, the anger.

A year after I moved out of town, the big smoke and British Capital, my own mother, was diagnosed with 2 blood clots, a typical healthcare professional she didn’t look after herself.  I was terrified, me leaving home could have been the last time I saw her. That, being up here over 100 miles away, scares me now. Being disabled means getting down to see them is a military operation. Both now have age related medical conditions. My dad had a ‘prostate scare’ a few years back, and has a pacemaker, and my mum stopped taking her medications when my parents moved because ‘they got packed!!’  MOTHER!!!  I’m missing them. Despite our turmoiled relationship.

I wrote about Imp recently, and how we fell out. There have been another 9 friends and colleagues I’ve known to die from kidney failure related complications before that. Some I’ve worked with, one or 2 I’ve grown up with from a pre teen age, and ALL I’ve met. 

Cupcake was a disabled lover, a sub and Pet that I knew, who I ‘lost’ more or less while we were on holiday.
This is difficult to write about.  C had a rare form of dwarfism, and needed assistance in dressing, but could get on and off the bed with ease. Our relationship was patchy.  I was going through my own stuff, my parents perhaps were helicoptering after my near death experience a few years back. And I wasn’t perhaps getting the full support to drive, be independent etc that I might have had. As a result I was a pretty crap lover:( And maybe didn’t go and see here often enough. Or my own weakness made excuses.
When we did play she was fantastic, obedient, well trained, a good laugh, and we worked well together.

She’d had some bad experiences, being vulnerable, a ‘bad DOM’ could basically have done anything to her without consent as her physical form left weakness in muscles. 
We decided to go on holiday together, 2 disabled people going away is a nightmare that requires military planning. We did get there but C was already a bit unwell.

A year or so she’d had a contraceptive implant that I personally thought was a bad choice (having researched the side effects) We didn’t play on holiday, but she became ill on the second week) I was in one hospital having my routine treatment.  The hotel was a specialist, a love accessible venue in the mountains with an pool with a hoist, wide rooms, wheel in wet rooms.  Basic but fabulous. C became ill on holiday, with a severe period.  Various doctors came out, injections were given, and at the end of the holiday she had the all clear to go home.  C occasionally needed oxygen, and became ill on the plane. We had a carer with us, and she had oxygen, the planes own oxygen, but became non responsive and sleepy during the flight. This was the last time I saw C alive.  The cause of death was oxygen starvation. 
I wonder now if the heavy period from the implant, loss of blood, may have added to the cause.  Blaming myself, for not being a better lover, being more involved in her care and choices as a Master still haunt me today. But it was never a full on 24/7 relationship at that time, and we’d ‘parted’ as D/s before we went on holiday. 

During the night after the flight I felt a tightening in my chest, as though I couldn’t breath..  Around 3 AM,  I had a call the next day that Cupcake had passed away then.

Seeing her again, at her parents house after her body had been brought back to London, was the strangest  thing.  She looked as beautiful as ever, she’d donated her corneas.. I didn’t know how to react, how I was supposed to react.  I kissed her, and walked away.  The grief, again came later, everytime I saw someone in a wheelchair, or perhaps a voice that sounded like hers. Or her name on a stage, as acting was one of her passions, a local festival named their stage after her.  Seeing it at a festival. I just broke down… I pushed myself to go back a couple of times for a year or so.

At the funeral, her friends from the group we’d met, one of them I was also intimate with, Paws.  It seems very weird writing about it. We wept at the funeral..  It was then I think I went back to Paws place..  Privacy was in her bedroom..  We fucked hard..  It wasn’t planned, it wasn’t intense it didn’t feel wrong, maybe awkward afterwards it was just that raw release of emotion wanting, needing contact with another being.  We never spoke of it again.

The years after C’s death, maybe 5, did I have any confidence or desire to start dating again.
And it was so near Christmas, I’ve always watched this film. Of love loss and hope.
It’ll be lonely this Christmas.

Actually I have a massive ManCrush on Alan Cummings too.