Category Archives: disability

My relationship with KinkyWithATwist

KWT summa it up brilliantly:)  We’ve known’ each other for many years, maybe a decade, but only met in the flesh twice:)

So enjoy the following beautiful, long read, entry below

On this hot sunny day.

The Police & Crime Bill – Further Criminalisation

This is possibly one of the most unusual posts I’ll write.

If you live in  the UK, and you support our remaining freedoms, sexual and otherwise, this is a post for you.

If you’ve ever debated or considered sex work, or been involved in the adult industry, this post is for you.
If you’ve ever protested or supported those fighting for their rights, this is for you.

The TLC Trust offers Responsible Sexual Services for Disabled People. Providers are Verified – Services are Professional  – Safety is key, for both providers and clients.

Support the TLC Trust – Police and Crime Bill – Further Criminalisation
Organisations including the TLC trust are threatened by this

TLC is under attack as is the right to pay for sexual services. Many of you have heard of the Nordic model. For those who haven’t, it’s where it is made illegal to pay for sex. Criminalising the client not the worker but just as unhelpful for the worker. They have slipped this into the new Police and Crime Bill which is currently being protested against all over the country.
“If you would like to help then please add your name to the open letter or send a copy of it to your own MP.
TLC is creating a lobbying pamphlet which some of you have contributed to and I’ll share it soon as it’s finished.

Why I offer peer support – and why I hate doing it

Actually I don’t HATE doing it. But it has its positives and negatives. A bit of a rant! 

What is peer support. Basically sharing info and supporting those in the same situation, group interest as yourself, often in a ’safe’ environment.

The BDSM community, is by the by runs on Peer Support, at times better than others. Hence the ‘community’ runs munches, workshops, such as ‘peer rope’ workshops. These are designed to share information, to safeguard against predators. Everyone at some point is ’new’ to something. A community, a classroom, a job.

I have always been involved in peer support for several of my passions, other than BDSM, plants, CKD, kite flying.
Knowledge is power but knowledge  should be shared.

The downside of peer support is that it can be exhausting if it fails to meet its purpose.  If people become reliant on you, or your group. As though people are unable to ‘FIND OUT FOR THEMSELVES’  I call and other social media, including the bdsm community, the Lazy Search Engine. How often have you seen a post of ‘How Do I?

HOW TO USE A SEARCH ENGINE should be the default intro for any peer support group online!

Offering peer support or running a group can be exhausting if the you, or only a few people are putting in the effort. It leaves you feeling unappreciated (always thank a host, give them feedback). If the fun stops.  Walk away – let someone else do it. In the bigger picture, people will ALWAYS have the same questions, and the ANSWERS WILL ALWAYS BE THE SAME.

People have been getting into kink, and likewise developing CKD at any time and will continue to do so. DECADES of information is available on the internet.  Just for once, it would be nice to see more posts along the line of.

‘I’ve looked  up and researched X Y & Z and would like to know more! 

Do you run a peer support group, have you ever had to step back or pass over responsibilities?

Feature image women in a peer support group Creative Commons

Behind the lack of content – Health

Apologies dear followers for the lack of content, I know you are few but enjoy reading!
I’ve been struggling a bit to feel sexy enough to write, and other stuff has got in the way.
I’m also suffering from Low Calcium, theres not a lot I can do about that apart from try and get more sun, and eat calcium rich foods. Sadly you won’t see me in shorts and a T shirt with the temp at around 6 C.

Severe symptoms of hypocalcemia include:

confusion or memory loss
muscle spasms
numbness and tingling in the hands, feet, and face
muscle cramps
weak and brittle nails
easy fracturing of the bones” 

Don’t worry tho the med team are on it and I’m eating plenty of cheese (which I love, !)

So lets look at some of the topics I can hopefully line up for you.
Aural Sex, storytelling and orgasm denial, a good little exercise for submissives, or anyone who enjoys a bit of self pleasure!
Slidy Fingers
Doggie Style
G-Spot O, for Orgasm
Temeparature Play, turn up the heating, get out the ice
Love Balls (well that could mean many things!)  (Look up Love Balls and you’ll find a girls online game, but I’ve NEVER EVER called them ‘jiggle balls’ in 50 shades style! They are and should always be Ben Wa Balls, unless they are not!

So bare with, and in the meantime enjoy The BDSM Files from my good friend and Regular Blogger MrsWolfie

Why I’m thinking of buying Viagra

Erectile disfunction, no one should have qualms or doubts about writing about it!   And maybe while COVID19 culls the human population with success (too dark?) its not something I could be thinking about..

I heard a great quote the other day.  What do you need to survive ?  “Fresh air, good homegrown food, and good sex!” And this from a man who describes himself as a Gansta Gardener! 

Lets just be clear, I can get hard, very hard, sometimes, but for medical reasons due to Chronic Kidney Disease, I also often suffer from Erectile Disfunction and to some degree, premature ejaculation, which is surprisingly common in many men. 

A low dose, most UK chemists sell it at a 50mg dose.  Its safe, within reason, and can fully enhance and prolong a pleasurable experience.

I will be discussing it with my medical team, of course, and I have taken it before, with mixed results. Its bloody expensive, which brings me briefly, to say, do NOT buy ‘on the cheap’ online.  There are too many fake pills that can contain toxic substances available on the internet.

PUSH the discussion with your health care professionals and say you (IN THE UK) want a prescription.
To be fair, I need I think to push harder.. I’ve been fobbed off by GP’s and renal teams tend to smile and say yes.

On one occasion when taking viagra, prescribed, I had really great sex.. Was able to carry on, and that’s pleasing to all. On another it just gave me a headache.. Its a tool, pun intended’ to assist, not guarantee an erection.  That second time, maybe I was tired, dehydrated, worried about something.  All can physically affect your beloved John Thomas! 

So men, and women, don’t be judgmental  or ill informed, talk to you partner, talk to your medics, and work to a better sex life.!

Smoke over Troubled Water – Covid19 – The Planet and Humans

Just a quick response and thoughts to my good friend MrsWolfies post
Opinion: Face Masks In The West Carry Their Own Problem, Stigma

I’m used to public face masks , as a Londoner, and as someone with a long term chronic condition.
4 times a week myself and the girl don a mask during the ‘risk’ parts of starting and ending my treatment.
Not to mention the ‘adult element’ of a different type of facemarks as props in adult scenes. I wonder if the sale of THOSE has increased?

In London its fairly frequent to see facemasks among a large number of cyclists due to the pollution. You can visibly see and taste the pollution in London, for instance from high points looking over the city, or arriving in a busy railways station in central London.

While China was one of the first countries to enforce public face mask wearing it was already common in the busier cities due to pollution. If you remember China still has coal burning power you may understand this.
IMAGE: View Across London from the North, showing pollution over the City..
1914978 279076520150 1812756 n
As for the future.  IF our Governments actually LEARN from this rather than clinging to the ‘Go Back To Normal’. We WILL reduce the falsehood of global trade and commerce and learn to ‘look after ourselves’ before we help others. 
However this one a global scale seems hard to imagine as a reality.

IF WE as a country already had ‘In House’ Healthcare, rather than contracted, and transport we might be in a better economic sense to deal with the outcomes in the CURRENT situation

The psychological impacts are going to last a long time.

As I’m writing this, crude oil has a near negative value. Polluting airlines are lamenting their loss of business, and a cautious move towards humanity rather than Greed and Commerce seems to be happening.  While you may wonder what this has to do with the Corona Viruses, historically most disasters have had the most effect on areas of Mass Population, and this is not the first time that civilisations have been severely affected, not by natural disaster but by the transition of pathogens to areas of no resistance.

I for one, welcome, not the suffering and stress of individuals, but the wake up call to the fact we are NOT immortal as a species, nor are we the ‘top of the food chain, when we can easily be beaten by a simple virus.

We cope by doing little things that patch up the wounds, clapping, rushing to make masks and gowns, sharing food resources, but in the long term, we need to change.
Recommended Viewing and Reading

This Changes Everything

The Power Of Community – How Cuba Survived Peak Oil An Hours watch, but if your transport and imported food production is cut off. HOW DO YOU SURVIVE AS A COUNTRY?

NHS PLC  There’s no way we will now get a National Health Service that is fully State Run.  Since the introduction of Trusts and Centralisation of services, it seems an impossible future:(

I’ll finish with a quote from one of my favourite bands:

What would you leave behind when all your fields are dead
When your territories are dried out and your cities drowned and swept?
What would you leave behind when those who bear your name
Are born in that place that you wrecked?
What would you leave behind when you’re no longer there?

To deny or to despair
They’re really just the same
And everything between
It means we have to change
Cos when a one forgets
Their world begins to fade
And all the shapes and shades
That made their colours see
Well they suddenly turn grey
Then they’re no longer there

Coming soonish – Probably

Coming soon, hopefully.
 2 more posts.

1, longish, on Disability Access and playing with a disabled partner, plus practical info for organisers, access, costing , restrictions, safety etc.

2 BDSM and Islam, its a fascinating thing.

For the time being I’m down with a really shite cold/virus so I’ll leave you with her Majesty, love of the nation.. Maddonna.

Enjoy the moves and music.

From A Distance – Remote play

The amount of ‘remote toy’s and research into them has come along over the years, from simple wireless vibes, to mobile phone (cellphone if your American) applications that control.

I love a little subscription to Liberator Blogs, although its a US based higher end toy store they do cover some topics and decent blog posts.

Their latest is Remote Toys Taking Control – Any Time, Anywhere.  While I’ll boast, on occasion to being one of the meanest ‘remote control’ Dom’s online that I know of, ‘orgasm control for me is a ‘THING’ and can be a lot of fun. It can also mean a ‘hands free’ experience if for example you don’t want to have to hold the toy! (For wireless devices) 

My experience using them with subs is something similar to the reviews on LoveHoney or Sextoys UK. Mixed, but enjoyable.  Depending on your sub (from a biker chick who feels the vibes all the way to see you anyway!) to a wheelchair using sub who begs you to stop as you pass a playground in the park! They can be a lot of fun. They can be insert type toys anally or in the vagina or designed like bullets as clit stimulation.

SPOKZ  in the UK sells some of the products that are listed by Liberator including furniture and toys under their Disability Sex Aids section   Yes, the disabled love sex too just as much as anyone else.

Remote toys work in around 3 ways, wireless, (radio waves, or bluetooth frequency’s) or via the internet. And therefore have different ranges. I’ve not personally tested a huge number of these fund devices but they can add a lot of spice to private or public play. Those that I have have been in the lower end of the market such as this:

Before buying,  research, prices can reach to very high figures read reviews on reputable sales sites such as LoveHoney or SexToys UK.
Play safe, talk with your partner and work out how, if necessary keeping devices ‘in place’ can be done (make sure your not allergic to any tape if used) and have fun.

None of the above are affiliate links so if you love this blog and fancy buying me a cup of coffee or more, click here for a pay as you feel link:

Reacting to Grief – Christmas is hard

For me, Christmas is a time of self exploration.  Actually I find today. The Solstice Day, far stronger than an adopted multi faith celebration that’s been abused so commercially that many find it difficult. Although a carol service is in order almost as a ‘thing’ thats default and quite enjoyable.
This post is as much for me as it is for MrsWolfie, possibly one of my longest friends in the BDSM world. And here I am writing this blog!

One thing that that’s rarely talked about with kidney failure, and disability is grief. (its an odd chance that Red is an ex church wife!) Its a fact, that if you have CKD you are going to loose people from ‘the family’, its almost been me once or twice! )

My first loss, was S, we’d worked together voluntarily and I fancied the pants of her, and to some degree another colleague M, fantasising about what I’d like to DO to her, or them. I was still mobile there, and the little green bug would wizz down to Somerset for the odd meeting. She died, from complications and infection, some days after starting national group for younger people with CKD. This was the first funeral I’d been to. I didn’t cry, a tear, something in me bottled up. Maybe shock, maybe I don’t know. Perhaps being ill most of your life you learn to bottle up, to hide, to be TOUGH. Another colleague, and friend, was crying his eyes out, a complete shock to me from his usual cocky and full of it cheery chap persona.

The emotional release hit later, unexpectedly, sometimes triggered, sometimes unexpected and it hurt, the tears flowed, the anger.

A year after I moved out of town, the big smoke and British Capital, my own mother, was diagnosed with 2 blood clots, a typical healthcare professional she didn’t look after herself.  I was terrified, me leaving home could have been the last time I saw her. That, being up here over 100 miles away, scares me now. Being disabled means getting down to see them is a military operation. Both now have age related medical conditions. My dad had a ‘prostate scare’ a few years back, and has a pacemaker, and my mum stopped taking her medications when my parents moved because ‘they got packed!!’  MOTHER!!!  I’m missing them. Despite our turmoiled relationship.

I wrote about Imp recently, and how we fell out. There have been another 9 friends and colleagues I’ve known to die from kidney failure related complications before that. Some I’ve worked with, one or 2 I’ve grown up with from a pre teen age, and ALL I’ve met. 

Cupcake was a disabled lover, a sub and Pet that I knew, who I ‘lost’ more or less while we were on holiday.
This is difficult to write about.  C had a rare form of dwarfism, and needed assistance in dressing, but could get on and off the bed with ease. Our relationship was patchy.  I was going through my own stuff, my parents perhaps were helicoptering after my near death experience a few years back. And I wasn’t perhaps getting the full support to drive, be independent etc that I might have had. As a result I was a pretty crap lover:( And maybe didn’t go and see here often enough. Or my own weakness made excuses.
When we did play she was fantastic, obedient, well trained, a good laugh, and we worked well together.

She’d had some bad experiences, being vulnerable, a ‘bad DOM’ could basically have done anything to her without consent as her physical form left weakness in muscles. 
We decided to go on holiday together, 2 disabled people going away is a nightmare that requires military planning. We did get there but C was already a bit unwell.

A year or so she’d had a contraceptive implant that I personally thought was a bad choice (having researched the side effects) We didn’t play on holiday, but she became ill on the second week) I was in one hospital having my routine treatment.  The hotel was a specialist, a love accessible venue in the mountains with an pool with a hoist, wide rooms, wheel in wet rooms.  Basic but fabulous. C became ill on holiday, with a severe period.  Various doctors came out, injections were given, and at the end of the holiday she had the all clear to go home.  C occasionally needed oxygen, and became ill on the plane. We had a carer with us, and she had oxygen, the planes own oxygen, but became non responsive and sleepy during the flight. This was the last time I saw C alive.  The cause of death was oxygen starvation. 
I wonder now if the heavy period from the implant, loss of blood, may have added to the cause.  Blaming myself, for not being a better lover, being more involved in her care and choices as a Master still haunt me today. But it was never a full on 24/7 relationship at that time, and we’d ‘parted’ as D/s before we went on holiday. 

During the night after the flight I felt a tightening in my chest, as though I couldn’t breath..  Around 3 AM,  I had a call the next day that Cupcake had passed away then.

Seeing her again, at her parents house after her body had been brought back to London, was the strangest  thing.  She looked as beautiful as ever, she’d donated her corneas.. I didn’t know how to react, how I was supposed to react.  I kissed her, and walked away.  The grief, again came later, everytime I saw someone in a wheelchair, or perhaps a voice that sounded like hers. Or her name on a stage, as acting was one of her passions, a local festival named their stage after her.  Seeing it at a festival. I just broke down… I pushed myself to go back a couple of times for a year or so.

At the funeral, her friends from the group we’d met, one of them I was also intimate with, Paws.  It seems very weird writing about it. We wept at the funeral..  It was then I think I went back to Paws place..  Privacy was in her bedroom..  We fucked hard..  It wasn’t planned, it wasn’t intense it didn’t feel wrong, maybe awkward afterwards it was just that raw release of emotion wanting, needing contact with another being.  We never spoke of it again.

The years after C’s death, maybe 5, did I have any confidence or desire to start dating again.
And it was so near Christmas, I’ve always watched this film. Of love loss and hope.
It’ll be lonely this Christmas.

Actually I have a massive ManCrush on Alan Cummings too.