Come Sail Your Ships Around Me

Communication  It needs to be done, and after Christmas is a great time. We had family round on Xmas and Boxing day. I left bits social media over Christmas. Best thing I’d done, to avoid the in your face overload of ‘words just said’ Nobody noticed, nobody called! I was, on Christmas Eve in a very very dark place mentally, as I lay next to red

I’d said something sharp to red previously when she forgot to take medications then took 2 doses, which you don’t do. I do keep an eye on her but medication is NOT a written rule. I didn’t apologise and she then later, said she was sorry and understood my concern as well.

“Come sail your ships around me
And burn your bridges down
We make a little history, baby
Every time you come around

Come loose your dogs upon me
And let your hair hang down
You are a little mystery to me
Every time you come around

We talk about it all night long
We define our moral ground
But when I crawl into your arms
Everything, it comes tumbling down”

I always think the lyrics should read ‘doves’ and not dogs, as while dogs is war, aggression, I always think of a somewhat Arthurian description of breasts as doves, lovers making out with ‘the doves’ released. I don’t know why, call me a sadistic romantic.!

To me this speaks of passionate lovers, planning to meet, with set rules which fall apart when they meet.  It maybe the totally wrong interpretation of the song, but to me thats it. The original vid is choral, Christmasy .
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0spQCw35D4
Incidentally I’m a big fan of Nick Cave, and his later music reflects the fairly recent tragic death of his son.
This morning we had a TALK..  I felt rejected, and said so,  yes even Dom’s get that  (especially with a Chronic Med Condition) and we’re not in any way a 24/7 relationship, BDSM wise.  Some of the very best sessions we’ve had have been in the morning, we’ve both showered, but L prefers a ‘Get Up and Go’ and tackle the day. I think previously I’d kidnapped her before a shower and it was pretty hot. My animalistic Alpha that lives somewhere in me LOVES scent, and isn’t too bothered with before a shower morning smells! Quite frankly, I can be a BEAST OF PASSION, and I growl, scratch and bite!

What I think I will insist on is that we BOTH write stuff down, that was pushed away this morning as not needed. One thing I’ve noticed in red is there’s rarely a please or thank you.  I’m used to it, but to others I think she can come across as abrupt or aggressive. Call me old-fashioned, and gentlemanly may traditional (but NEVER Conservative), but there’s nothing wrong with manners and values.
She may be substantially than me but she still submits to ME and me alone when I require her to.

We also went over our physical limits, in terms of time/energy, and ability due to med conditions.  It might be something to explored in more detail.

So it seems earlier evenings, IF anything is planned, perhaps a ‘bat signal’ or something on the door so that its clear without words that its an evening in the words of the great Terry Pratchett’s Casanunda “I wants your body”  (OK the reply is “Im still using it” but hey it works for me!)

So out with the hooks, drill to maybe make things more accessible and I’m sure I’ll be bouncing ideas off 10Shades&Me

I’ll be borrowing another idea and going over toys/cuffs etc. Most I think are staying, but the ones I/we like to use the most need to stay close by.  I’m hoping 2020 will be more satisfactory for both of us in the department of intimacy.   There’s some things I’m hoping to put more energy into, some things, well its been a fun couple of years, but its someone else turn.

Hope your Christmas was more peaceful and joyous than mine, to be fair I actually enjoyed watching an animated film with reds daughter, silliness at kids level felt about right (OK she’s an adult and recently broke up with her partner but hey its Christmas)

Reacting to Grief – Christmas is hard

For me, Christmas is a time of self exploration.  Actually I find today. The Solstice Day, far stronger than an adopted multi faith celebration that’s been abused so commercially that many find it difficult. Although a carol service is in order almost as a ‘thing’ thats default and quite enjoyable.
This post is as much for me as it is for MrsWolfie, possibly one of my longest friends in the BDSM world. And here I am writing this blog!

One thing that that’s rarely talked about with kidney failure, and disability is grief. (its an odd chance that Red is an ex church wife!) Its a fact, that if you have CKD you are going to loose people from ‘the family’, its almost been me once or twice! )

My first loss, was S, we’d worked together voluntarily and I fancied the pants of her, and to some degree another colleague M, fantasising about what I’d like to DO to her, or them. I was still mobile there, and the little green bug would wizz down to Somerset for the odd meeting. She died, from complications and infection, some days after starting national group for younger people with CKD. This was the first funeral I’d been to. I didn’t cry, a tear, something in me bottled up. Maybe shock, maybe I don’t know. Perhaps being ill most of your life you learn to bottle up, to hide, to be TOUGH. Another colleague, and friend, was crying his eyes out, a complete shock to me from his usual cocky and full of it cheery chap persona.

The emotional release hit later, unexpectedly, sometimes triggered, sometimes unexpected and it hurt, the tears flowed, the anger.

A year after I moved out of town, the big smoke and British Capital, my own mother, was diagnosed with 2 blood clots, a typical healthcare professional she didn’t look after herself.  I was terrified, me leaving home could have been the last time I saw her. That, being up here over 100 miles away, scares me now. Being disabled means getting down to see them is a military operation. Both now have age related medical conditions. My dad had a ‘prostate scare’ a few years back, and has a pacemaker, and my mum stopped taking her medications when my parents moved because ‘they got packed!!’  MOTHER!!!  I’m missing them. Despite our turmoiled relationship.

I wrote about Imp recently, and how we fell out. There have been another 9 friends and colleagues I’ve known to die from kidney failure related complications before that. Some I’ve worked with, one or 2 I’ve grown up with from a pre teen age, and ALL I’ve met. 

Cupcake was a disabled lover, a sub and Pet that I knew, who I ‘lost’ more or less while we were on holiday.
This is difficult to write about.  C had a rare form of dwarfism, and needed assistance in dressing, but could get on and off the bed with ease. Our relationship was patchy.  I was going through my own stuff, my parents perhaps were helicoptering after my near death experience a few years back. And I wasn’t perhaps getting the full support to drive, be independent etc that I might have had. As a result I was a pretty crap lover:( And maybe didn’t go and see here often enough. Or my own weakness made excuses.
When we did play she was fantastic, obedient, well trained, a good laugh, and we worked well together.

She’d had some bad experiences, being vulnerable, a ‘bad DOM’ could basically have done anything to her without consent as her physical form left weakness in muscles. 
We decided to go on holiday together, 2 disabled people going away is a nightmare that requires military planning. We did get there but C was already a bit unwell.

A year or so she’d had a contraceptive implant that I personally thought was a bad choice (having researched the side effects) We didn’t play on holiday, but she became ill on the second week) I was in one hospital having my routine treatment.  The hotel was a specialist, a love accessible venue in the mountains with an pool with a hoist, wide rooms, wheel in wet rooms.  Basic but fabulous. C became ill on holiday, with a severe period.  Various doctors came out, injections were given, and at the end of the holiday she had the all clear to go home.  C occasionally needed oxygen, and became ill on the plane. We had a carer with us, and she had oxygen, the planes own oxygen, but became non responsive and sleepy during the flight. This was the last time I saw C alive.  The cause of death was oxygen starvation. 
I wonder now if the heavy period from the implant, loss of blood, may have added to the cause.  Blaming myself, for not being a better lover, being more involved in her care and choices as a Master still haunt me today. But it was never a full on 24/7 relationship at that time, and we’d ‘parted’ as D/s before we went on holiday. 

During the night after the flight I felt a tightening in my chest, as though I couldn’t breath..  Around 3 AM,  I had a call the next day that Cupcake had passed away then.

Seeing her again, at her parents house after her body had been brought back to London, was the strangest  thing.  She looked as beautiful as ever, she’d donated her corneas.. I didn’t know how to react, how I was supposed to react.  I kissed her, and walked away.  The grief, again came later, everytime I saw someone in a wheelchair, or perhaps a voice that sounded like hers. Or her name on a stage, as acting was one of her passions, a local festival named their stage after her.  Seeing it at a festival. I just broke down… I pushed myself to go back a couple of times for a year or so.

At the funeral, her friends from the group we’d met, one of them I was also intimate with, Paws.  It seems very weird writing about it. We wept at the funeral..  It was then I think I went back to Paws place..  Privacy was in her bedroom..  We fucked hard..  It wasn’t planned, it wasn’t intense it didn’t feel wrong, maybe awkward afterwards it was just that raw release of emotion wanting, needing contact with another being.  We never spoke of it again.

The years after C’s death, maybe 5, did I have any confidence or desire to start dating again.
And it was so near Christmas, I’ve always watched this film. Of love loss and hope.
It’ll be lonely this Christmas.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FuByK8knP4s

Actually I have a massive ManCrush on Alan Cummings too.

I’m going to be published – again

Well I’ve put myself forward to writing for the TLC Trust Newsletter..  So thats something new. I’ve been published in various places over the years, and quite enjoy it.

On other news, you should see on social media and youtube the #RESOLUTION2020 on youtube and other platforms
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9dPMOxuN2U

Its a global song, search the tag on Youtube, however here’s an LGTBQ choir covering it, although they could have got someone to check the camera focus!  To me it’s coming across as a global hymn or a song of praise to the earth and the people. Some of the groups performing have made me weep

“The word hymn derives from Greek ὕμνος (hymnos), which means “a song of praise”. A writer of hymns is known as a hymnodist. The singing or composition of hymns is called hymnody. Collections of hymns are known as hymnals or hymn books. Hymns may or may not include instrumental accompaniment.” WIKI

If you have a favourite artist,  Tag /nominate them to do a performance!  

I really don’t want to write about politics but

The UK is in a mess. And this is NOT a sexy situation. Right now I am although happy with the state of the world! 

The fact that people fell for the lying greedy party is covered very well by, Another Angry Voice an independent blogger who fact checks etc. If your not in the UK, just read up on our 3 main parties, well actually 2 main and 2 lesser, plus many many individuals. If your not in the UK you’ve probably still heard of Britains Exit from the European Union, which was like another dodgy car salesman vote.  It looked shiny, people fell for it, then realised after after you’d got it home, taken it shopping and maybe to visit the in laws, you discovered you’d been lied to, the gearbox was fucked and the petrol tank contained sawdust!  It was also a very very tactical distraction from the inflicted poverty and global issues of the time.   A time that could have actually be spent dealing with crisis issues, rather than focusing only on very short term commerce and gain for the minority.
A few small changes to laws could have avoided it, but those in power chose to rape a nation!

Rather than a campaign built on facts people fell for the emotive, the warfare tactic of discrediting the enemy, propaganda, spreading rumours, lies to undermine the opposition.

How does this look for the the BDSM world.  The conservative gov previously tried to tighten self expression by banning the filming of several acts in porn, including women squirting, spanking, face sitting and much of consensual self expression in BDSM, that is viewed, and in most cases produced as porn safely and consensually under the legal standards of whatever country it comes from.

“Audiovisual Media Services Regulations 2014 to include pornography available over video on demand and streaming platforms, effectively aligning internet pornography laws with the Video Recordings Act 1984. This brought a renewed controversy over the banning of depiction of certain sex acts including depictions “physical or verbal abuse”, “role-play as non-adults”, urolagnia, and female ejaculation, among others.[25]”

The next 5 years for the BDSM, and the world of sexual expression may look bleak,  and a step backward for the LGBTQ and kink communities, as division, even among families leads to separation. Politically this ‘divide and conquer’ a country is something most people should have seen, but like lambs to the slaughter they preferred to believe the propaganda, rather than follow rules of informed decision, and consented to nonconsensual political stupid for the until the next election. So expect more division, a hatred, in some areas for self expression and a rise of the more extreme protests against equality, freedom of expression as is occurring in the USA, Europe, and much of the rest of the world. The main man behind the current party in power, the organiser and aide was well know for his divide and conquer tactics. Not a politician, but an operator, a lover of discord and disruption. 
We’re in a political climate where those in power would love EVERYONE to love and vote for them forever more. Apart perhaps from women, the disabled, idiots, people that don’t look right, and Sharon’s mum’ s sister cos of what she said last year..  YES, THAT is how fucking ridiculous politics IS at the moment, and how far back it may go! 
A shoutout for Extinction Rebellion..  

For those that care about freedom, about the climate, and the future. and kink. XR even have a small group on Fetlife, so show your support where you can.

I’m making this site Pay as You Feel,  Also known as Pay As You Want, or Pay What You like, to give a little, or nothing depending on how you feel.

**“

The Pay As You Feel principle (also known as Pay What You Want and Pay What You Like) is a heterodox pricing strategy that puts the customer at complete discretion over the price they are willing to pay for goods or services.

The most commonly used names for this pricing strategy are completely self-explanatory because the idea that the the customer is at complete freedom to determine the price for themselves is actually quite a simple one.

Even though the idea itself is simple enough, there are quite a lot of interesting economic factors to consider when it comes to breaking the orthodox mindset that things have a set price and replacing it with a pricing system that allows the price to exist as a free choice between £0 and any value the customer chooses.

“**

I’ll try and make my next post a bit more cheerful, budget BDSM for Christmas perhaps:)  Although in the ether is a post on social media and better blowjobs! Tres Educational.  Or one on male grooming in the lower regions? Would you like that?

Stay sexy dear readers, hell knows I”m finding it difficult right now!  Seasons Greetings, Salutations and keep it real! If you’ll excuse the pun, we really need to come together as a species!

Bill & red!

Give a little love and it all comes back to you

If you want to help out this blogger, or others, this Christmas a few tips.

Using Amazon Smile allows you to donate to charity while shopping, OK amazon gives a pittance but if your going to use them anyway. Personally I’ve been adding 2 renal charities on my purchases. Ebay I think has a similar option.

Help me out. I get about 12 quid a day to pay food and bills as a disabled person in the UK. I don’t have a smoking/drug habit but being a disabled person is near enough being persecuted under a tory government.  So if you want to support this blog.. paypal.me/payasyoufeel

Shopping on eBay or other stores? Try this link, it helps you, and me to get a tiny bit of cash back (between 1 and 20 or more percent)
Quidco, is NOT a scam, its a cash back site and eventually you DO get cash back in your account. I actually more or less got a year free internet using the quidco link.

https://www.quidco.com/user/4297328/2654971/

Cash is tight, so what helps you, helps me keep sane, and keeps this blog steamy and down to earth!

So heres some seasonal SMUT for you.  Defiantly not something to watch with your parents!

I hope, in these deep dark months and times, you have a very steamy Christmas.. Bill  

Aaah music sweet music

Well I had a long post planned, on grief, and relief, and sex and fucking, and how it feels just RIGHT, and probably is.Then tried to remember if I’d done that at already, or on the LJ Archives!

I’ve never been dogging, for the short time I actually drove and had a car in my life (most of my school and uni years) I never had the confidence in some areas that I do now.

So, here’s a song to fill in the time!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lwg8a6sDxKc

Its a very very grim time in this country, so have a laugh on me! 

Comicon 2019

Actually I don’t go out to events that often, but me and the girl are both a bit geeky, more so right now than kinky. Comicon was doing a LOCAL event (6 quid taxi job) for once. Smaller venue (the last time we went was London some years back).
To be honest its made me think about how much I actually enjoy dressing up. Either for Fet events, or just other. One friend of ours has a full on 1940’s vintage thing going on and looks as sharp as fuck most of the time. TO be fair he also has good health and probably a bit more cash but there you go.

I’ve never really seen the point in fashion, practical, winter/summer and weather is my ‘style’

So today was nice to be amongst some themed geeks, from a Dalek Davros wheelchair (AWESOME Dr Who def) to some Anime and Magna, characters, to Game of Thrones (not my thing), a good few Harley Quinn’s and the default Storm Troopers and Wookie!  

The thing is, even for me a smart suit (one day I’ll get a new one thats slicker) a few spiked wrist cuffs and a decent mask and your halfway there..  If you want to go steam punk its fairly easy to add some goggles to a hat! I actually love Peaky Blinders (and not just for the EXCELLENT Nick Cave Theme music)

Day by day my attire really is generally either for a treatment session on the machine, multiple layers for a walk, or scruffiest attire for a bit of gardening.  So the glam rarely comes out (actually my favourite is a purple velvet jacket that serves no real purpose other than to be purple and velvet! ) I think the last time I actually wore that was…??  probably an Outsiders or Kink social event.

So yeah, dress up if you get the chance.. It may do you some good. Although I doubt I’ll follow my own advice! 🙂